Bringing closure to the inaugural season of LMP, Jeremy Thao returns to host a special episode featuring Sarah!
I certainly didn’t have it on my 2022 Bingo card, but, this year, I reclaimed the word “worth.” This reclamation was a three-step process:
Step One: Challenge Accepted
It all started with Michelle Khare’s Challenge Accepted Academy. I enrolled in this month long program to motivate me to publicly launch LMP by the end of the 30 days. I expected accountability and incentive through the program, but I didn’t expect the semi-spiritual, therapeutic rabbit hole that I wound up falling through. One tunnel in this rabbit hole was a challenge to “reclaim” a “power word” – a word directly related to our challenge that we didn’t think we deserved and that could fit into the blank in the statement:
I am not _________ enough.
I had a hard time coming up with the right word to encompass the discomfort I felt towards launching the podcast and throwing a party for myself because everything I could think of seemed illogical or solvable. After testing several words out, I got a tiny, niggling gut feeling when I swapped in the word worthy. It wasn’t a particularly strong feeling. (To be honest, I thought the whole exercise was a bit cheesy.) But I felt some type of way about it, so I went with worthy and wrote the exercise off as complete.
Cut to:
INT. SARAH’S “A-SPARSE-MENT” – 15 days later – Dusk
Sarah, visibly stressed, sits on her couch, penning an exercise in her Challenge Accepted Academy notebook. Ghibli lofi music plays from her laptop in an attempt to soothe her.
She writes a few moments then puts her pen down. She smiles down at her notebook, admiring her work.
Then, her smile turns into a smirk. She thinks out loud as she grabs her phone:
SARAH: I should record this…
Sarah starts recording in her “everything-is-A-OK” voice.
SARAH: Hi, friends! Just finished up the Reframing Negative/Limiting Beliefs exercise in the Sidekick. I think I made pretty good progress on it, so I wanted to share my work with you–
Sarah speeds through the first column – listing her negative beliefs. She then proceeds to the second column – reframing each negative belief – but immediately gets choked up before she even finishes reading the first one.
Tears suddenly stream uncontrollably down her face. Where are they coming from? How are they going so fast? She lets them fall and then wipes them away. Finally, she’s able to continue. She starts the second column over –
Nope. The tears are back. The nose joins in, too. Waterworks all around. This drama is unmatched.
Sarah gives the emotion more than enough time to present and to get over itself. It does. She wipes her face and finishes reading through the exercise, voice cracking and eyes puffing all the while. At the end, she looks up at the camera like a deer caught in headlights. She speaks more staccato than normal.
SARAH [frazzled, raw]: Um… I feel really vulnerable right now. Yeah… Let me know how this exercise goes for you!
Sarah stops recording the video and moans.
SARAH [dehydrated]: Ugh, it’d be so annoying to upload this seven minute video in the WhatsApp…
[sigh]
Guess I’m going to anyway.
END.
I knew I was a sucker for melodramatic, moving moments in films, but this dramatic experience assured me that my sensitivity roams far beyond cinema. In all sincerity, though, this Reframing Negative/Limiting Beliefs exercise allowed me to release a lot of negative weight that I was carrying and to replace it with genuine compassion for myself. I felt so much lighter and so much more appreciative of the little things and the small gestures after I let the insecurity go. And I made space to let a little more love in.
The day before graduation from CAA, my classmates and I had a yoga class together on Zoom. At the end of the class, as we rested in Savasana, Michelle encouraged us to reclaim our power words quietly to ourselves. I have never cried during a yoga class1 before, but I let some happy tears fall as I thought to myself – and truly felt and truly believed – “I am worthy.”
Step Two: Heartbreak
Part of the reason I was worried about planning my launch party was because I thought people wouldn’t come. And part of the reason I thought people wouldn’t come was because “friends” have often politely lied to me or have made promises that they had no intention of keeping in the past.
Although this fear wasn’t really in effect for the launch party (thanks to the positive reframing!), I did notice lack of support in any regard from someone who, theoretically, should have been very close to me and should have wanted to cheer me on. I also noticed that my efforts in friendship were neither reciprocated nor appreciated. And I noticed that I had been replaced.
I acted with as much compassion as I could muster, but upon reflection in light of insecurity, sadness, and jealousy, I couldn’t think of a single way that they had been a friend to me since the New Year. Over the next few weeks, after a handful of small heartbreaks, I decided that it wasn’t healthy for me to continue considering them a friend. So, I closed that box of companionship2 and took the space I was given by them to grieve and to move on.
Fortunately (or unfortunately), being misunderstood and arguably mistreated eventually leads lifelong learners to growth more often than not. The timing of this particular heartbreak paired well with the genuine love and support I received from the CAA experience. So, instead of breaking me down, it made me develop a sense of what I truly value in relationships, what I deserve from them, and what is not tolerable going forward.
Step Three: Porcupine
I did have a bit of a hole in my heart, but it was soon patched with stickers and friendship when I got to work as a Stand-in on a movie for a character called Porcupine. Being a Stand-in is normally nothing to get jazzed about. It is a step above being an extra and pays about the same as a Production Assistant3. But, it is technically a crew position, so you tend to garner more respect, and people are more keen to play with you.
This particular movie was very special to me. It was based on a children’s book that I had a great affinity for. As soon as I saw that the movie was being made and was filming in Atlanta, I knew that I had to work on it. So, I tracked this show for four months, I left my previous show at the end of the year, I submitted to various casting calls, and I hoped for the best.
After much flirting with this show, I one day finally got a call offering me the Stand-in job for Porcupine. I felt a warmth in my heart when I got the confirmation email, almost like I remembered that I was Porcupine all along.
I was a little nervous about my first day of work because I didn’t know anyone on the crew, and I hadn’t been a Stand-in professionally before. However, my nerves were calmed as soon as I started working because my blocking was fun, the people were friendly, and I felt like I was contributing to the creative process. By the end of the night, I felt right at home, and I couldn’t wait for the rest of the days ahead.
There wound up being quite a few days ahead over the next several weeks – 19 of them, in fact – and each of them were the highlights of my weeks. Not all of the days were fun, per se, but by the end of the shoot, I felt like I was good at my job, that my efforts were appreciated, and that I was desirable and wanted just for being myself – which was a touching, much needed feeling after the heartbreak I felt. Being Porcupine’s Stand-in distracted me from my grief, gave me purpose and drive to work, and opened my mind to potential adventures ahead. And, above all, being Porcupine made me feel like me.
In the book that this movie is based on, Porcupine is only on one page, and there are only a few words used to describe her. Though the description is short, it aligns perfectly with the worth I was needing, and I took it to heart. She is aptly described as “a very deserving porcupine.”
So, navigating these three chapters all at once made me confront worthiness in the face. Inevitably, I developed a relationship with worth little by little; laughs were had, tears were shed, and memories were made. I also realized, upon further reflection of the entirety of LMP Season I, that I had explored worth unknowingly through all of the checkpoints I passed through in my podcast and that I had made these findings along the way:
Play is a worthy pursuit
Meaningful investments are worth investing in
Support systems are worthy of strong foundations
Risk of conforming and sacrifice is worth curious questioning
My worthiness is not determined by my creative output
True companionship is worth fighting for
Worthy people and challenges foster appropriate growth
Gratitude is indicative of worthiness
I am worth all of these things and more.
On this quest to find fulfillment, I have first found worth. This discovery is something to be satisfied with, I think, as worth is something I can’t go back to living without. After all, I am a very deserving porcupine.
Thank you so, so much for a beautiful first season! We’ll be back soon for Season II. Until then, be on the lookout for any messenger owls for Side Quests and surprise scrolls.
Tag along with Sarah on her ventures @sarah_final_v.1 on Instagram and @justmisssarah on TikTok.
You can follow Jeremy on Instagram @jeremythao and on Twitter @jeremy_thao
Referenced people and materials:
Artist spotlight project directed by Jeremy & edited by Sarah
All music for the podcast lovingly created by Ian T. Jones.
Crying during yoga is more common than you might think!
I try not to permanently cut ties with people, so this friendship is moreso frozen than over. Still, it hurt to go from abundance to loss. A similar effect as to when Sims go from Best Friends Forever down to Acquaintances.
In my humble experience.
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